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Mr. Mysterio’s Horoscope – March 2011

 The Contributor (USA) 10 March 2019

The mysterious Mr Mysterio makes his predictions about the month ahead.... (1528 Words) - By Mr Mysterio



Beware the ides of March! Not really, Pisces, I was just trying to scare you. The problem is, it probably worked. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a little caution, but don't you think you've been piling it on a little thick lately? I mean, I'm all for people wearing bike helmets, I just think it's unnecessary to put one on every time you want to change the channel. Sometimes what seems like the safest option for the present moment, is actually dangerous to the potential of a life well lived. What I'm saying is, you're going to have to take a few risks now if you want to keep your future safe.


March has a reputation for coming in like a lion, and going out like a lamb. So when will this one hurry up and get a little more sheepy already? It does seem like the roars are ongoing, Aries, but maybe it has less to do with where you are and more to do with which direction you're facing. The stars indicate that this rough patch won't even out without a good solid change of perspective. So if you need a good delionization, waiting out the month may not get the job done. You're going to have to dig a little deeper and follow the sound of that tender bleeting.


We surveyed 100 stars, and on the board are the top six answers to the question: "Name something that a Taurus might do this month." Are you ready to play the feud? No? Alright then, we'll skip straight to the answers. At number six we have *ding!* "Do some laundry." Number five? *ding!* "Take a nap." Coming in at number four *ding!* "Buy some groceries." Number three? *ding!* "Laugh at a joke." At number two we have *ding!* "Experience disappointment." And the number one answer to the astrological question, "Name something a Taurus might do this month" is … *ding!* "Read a horoscope!" Thank you, that's all the time we have!


It is said that St. Patrick ran the snakes out of Ireland, brought Christendom to the Druids, elevated the humble clover to a metaphor for the trinity, and pinched the holy tar out of everybody who wasn't wearing green. Busy guys like St. Paddy make it tough for you and me to feel like we're getting enough accomplished in our limited time on earth. But did you know that most historians agree that there were, in fact, two distinct persons to whom we now ascribe the many mighty deeds of St. Patrick? Take it easy. Do what you have time to do. Just think, confused future anthropologists may credit you as the Gemini who thought up green beer.


Even after Sassafras Herbert received her diploma from the American Association of Nutrition and Dietary Consultants, she still found it nearly impossible to begin a career in her field. This may have been because of the tough job market. It also might have been because Sassafras was, in fact, a standard poodle. Sassafras' owner had obtained the degree for his dog to make a point about credentials. It doesn't take a genius (or even a human being) to get a diploma. You see, Cancer, just because someone tells you they have the experience, achievements, and contacts to get the job done, doesn't mean they're really the best candidate. So before you sign say yes to the applicant without the most impressive resume, maybe you should do a little digging. Sassafras would.


Be bold and take chances today! Spend your money and it will come back to you! [Side effects from following this advice may include dizziness, disappointment, empty wallet, regret, broken bones, nausea, mild to severe poverty, loss of friends, arrest, headache, confusion and dry-mouth. In fewer than 1% of cases, readers following this advice experienced a rare form of social discomfort and/or death. Many Leos found more lasting satisfaction from drinking a cool glass of water and enjoying a sugar pill on the back patio. Extensive study has shown that in some specific cases, the benefits of following this advice may outweigh the risks. Ask your family astrologer if this horoscope may be right for you.] What are you waiting for, Leo? There's a whole world of adventure just around the corner!


The Virginia Opossum is famous for being North America's only marsupial, but is perhaps more well known for its behavior of thanatosis, or, as we amateur astrologers say, "playing possum." When the Opossum feels threatened by an angry bobcat or a curious collie, it will involuntarily fall on its side, curl up, open its mouth to let its tongue hang out and emit a foul odor similar to a rotting corpse. Sound like anybody you know, Virgo? Every time your phone rings lately, you send it to voicemail and hope they assume you've died. I think you may need to reassess what you consider a "threat". I understand you've gotten behind on a few responsibilities and have let a few relationships lapse. Maybe next time one of these "predators" pops up in your inbox you'll be better off if you go ahead and deal with it.


I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy. That's all fine and good, but what else can you tell me about yourself, Libra? You project a certain image to the world, but the stars are finding it all a bit one-dimensional. What's behind the spurs and six-shooters? Just how deep is your ten-gallon hat? Most of your recent conversations have consisted entirely of the words "Howdy" and "I reckon so." I think it's time you lighten up the facade and start revealing a little bit more of what's underneath. When it comes your time to be wrapped up in white linen, you'll be surrounded by those who actually give a wild whoop about you.


Yes, it's very exciting that you've finally found people that understand you, Scorpio. It's remarkable that you've reconnected with your Junior High chem lab partner. I'm astounded that you're making new friends from around the world. But when you talk about the community you're finding online, I have to wonder if you're paying attention to the community that's right here in your neighborhood. When's the last time you said "Hi" to your neighbors? What's your new mailman's name? I'm not saying you aren't making real connections on the internet, I'm just hoping you'll maintain the connections that don't require a login and password.


Ah, the books you've never read. They fill your shelves like the tiny sarcophagi of all your best intentions. Each one tells a story of a different hope, a different dream for the future. It doesn't have to be this way, Sagittarius. I hereby give you permission to clean off those shelves. That's right, The Celestine Prophecy, your English/Esperanto dictionary, and the biography of Tommy Lasorda can officially be boxed up and given away. Let them be a burden to another household. There's another part to this deal, though. Once you let those shelves lay fallow for a time, I want you to fill them right back up again. Find some new things to hope and some new dreams to chase. Just don't let them weigh you down.


The person who discovered popcorn must have been terrified. I mean, think about it. One minute you're just roasting up some old corn you found, and the next BLAMBLAMBLAM! But what a payoff! I mean, if that startled individual had just dropped the exploding thing into the fire and run away, today's movie theaters would no doubt be filled with messy, wet corn cobs. Instead we get buckets of fluffy white crunchy goodness. So, Capricorn, if you have a startling experience this month, I must encourage you to pull yourself together and see what good may come of it. If it's hard to think clearly when the adrenaline is pumping, just remember that brave corn-roasting soul of yore, gather your courage and push forward. It may just be an indication that lighter, crunchier times are ahead.


They say "you can't squeeze blood from a turnip," Aquarius. I don't think they should say that. Not because it isn't true, but because it's quite graphic and what if there are children listening? Maybe aphorisms should have some kind of rating system so we can decide who should be allowed to use them and under what conditions they should be used. Like that one about killing two birds with one stone would be rated "Mature Audiences Only" for violent imagery. Similarly, the one about the bird in the hand would be rated "13 And Older" for implied violence and potentially disease-spreading behavior. You should probably stop using aphorisms altogether until we can get a system set in stone.* (* "Set in stone" has been approved for all audiences.)

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a  three-time Best in Show winner, or a consistent crowd favorite. Want more particles of passable portent? Follow Mr. Mysterio on twitter at:

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Originally published by The Contributor (USA)

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